What Women Fear
What Women Fear
I like men. I have had wonderful relationships, friendships, and interactions with probably a few thousand men in my life so far. For the most part, I have been comfortable in their presence, interested in their ideas, and happy to co-exist. So, yes, Not All Men.
But. There are things that only men, or mostly only men do that harm women. Some of it is intentional and some not. The excuse of gender socialization just does not work for me. Gender socialization is done according to the terms of patriarchy, our surrounding social system that dictates who is in charge and who is not.
For girls and women to move through the world, they have to interact with men. First, they are idealized as little dainty creatures who need male protection, then they are larger creatures who are easily preyed upon by the men who should be protecting them, then they reach adulthood and struggle to throw off that oppressive male domination of parent or elder just to have him replaced by a man outside the family who will take over her protection. The story of male-female relations in its most generous has been the tale of male protection over females. In its most perverse, it is the tale of control.
It has been this way for millennia and will continue to be this way around most of the world. But as we all know, the responsibility to protect can easily become the right to interfere and control. The idea that women only need to be protected because so many men prey on them is inconceivable. Men fail at seeing what women see. Girls and women do not need any more protection from the natural environment than boys or men do. What girls and women need protection from is predatory men.
I asked a question of my sons in law: What do you think about when you walk to your car at night, in the dark, when you are alone? Then I asked my daughters. The men were shocked – honestly so – by the responses of their wives/girlfriends when they talked about fear. Fear of being hassled, attacked, followed… The men had no idea. So, I began asking other men. They mentioned things like finding their keys, what to do next, where to get a beer, whether they were ready to go home. Not one mentioned having heightened awareness of where they were and what could happen to them. Not one mentioned pulling their clothes, purses, keys and phone near to their bodies just in case. Not one mentioned how they walk, pretending to be on the phone, actually calling someone, surveilling the space, looking for lighting, watching, listening. Some men were completely surprised to learn that women tell their friends where they are going, whom they will be with, and when they expect to be home before going out at night. They were incredulous that friends check up on them while they are out or ask to be called when they get home. In my mid-60s, my daughters still do this with me, even without my asking.
Of course, we can say that fear is a good reason for women to stay home or go out only with a group or a man. This is the premise for practices in some countries where women are actually forbidden to leave the house without a male escort. The community, and the man in charge of her protection, believe that a woman may be accosted by another man if she is in public without a male member of her family. Why not challenge men to be real men and leave women alone?
Of course, this is the reason for those same kinds of societies to require women cover their figures, hair, and even hands and faces. For their protection. They may attract a man’s attention and that man may be so inflamed with passion for the woman that he cannot control himself and will accost her. Why not challenge men to be real men and keep their desires under control?
Of course, this is the reason that women hesitate to go alone to many places that men frequent with casualness. They will invariably be looked over, at the very least, and at the most, harassed. Sure, some women want to meet men and some men want to meet women, but sometimes women just want to go out. What not challenge men to be real men and not see women as prey?
The worst situation of all is when women and girls live in homes that are dangerous to them. Men and women can and do abuse others. They abuse their own children and do not protect them. But the harms that occur to women and girls by the men in their families, and the men their families are friends with, happen in what should be a place of safety and refuge. The same refuge that men expect of their homes, they cannot confer onto the girls and women they are they to protect. Because protection means control to them. Because the body of a female is less valuable than the body of a male. Because the mind of a female is worth less than the mind of a male. Because the autonomy of a female is inconceivable or severely limited while the autonomy of a male is encouraged if not forced. Why not challenge men to be real men and control themselves?
Our current arguments about the rights of girls and women to own their own bodies rests on these ideas of value, protection, and control. Girls and women have few rights over their bodies. Someone is usually commenting on how they dress, on their looks, on their attempts to look attractive, on how they speak and when, on what they talk about, on whom they talk to, on where they situate themselves, or how they present themselves. But the invasion of a female body by another person is her most common and justifiable fear. Why not challenge men to real men and leave women alone?
We have criminalized women for not wanting to be mothers. We have criminalized women for having sex without dependable birth control. Men with little knowledge of women’s bodies or reproduction make laws about women’s bodies and reproduction. They do not acknowledge any responsibility for the fact that only a man can cause a woman to get pregnant. Why not float some laws that hold men accountable for their equal role in pregnancy? (Except that would create arguments for when life begins wouldn’t it?) Pregnancy is not a woman’s issue alone.
Either is violence against women. The two are inseparable. The two reinforce that women matter less than men. The wants and desires of men will not be curtailed by the needs of women to walk safely in the world – or the neighborhood – or her home. If voters really have all that much power, why haven’t our elected representatives renewed the Violence Against Women Act? Why are women afraid to report violence against them? Why can’t we count on prosecutors and judges to take action against abusers and rapists? Why do many women fear the police for continued violence and abuse? From infancy through adulthood, girls and women have fewer rights to exist safely than boys and men do. We can’t let this go.